Tiny Explorers

Brunch with mother

Update: Spring Quarter

Hello hello hello! It's been quite a minute. I really should make more use of this blog, and from now on, I'm going to try to post more consistently.

The spring quarter of my sophomore year is rapidly approaching an end, and seriously, I don't know where the time went. It's crazy but I'm basically halfway done with college (if I keep thinking about this, I may let out some tears). I'm starting to realize that this period of my life will eventually come to an end, and I will have to be more independent and start living out a life that isn't constrained by guidelines and expectations of academia. I will eventually leave this environment that I've grown accustomed to for the past two years and I will have to be responsible for myself and my actions..... Basically I'm scared to grow up.

I just turned 20 this month, which makes me feel so many feels. Seriously though, twenty is such a weird age. I'm no longer a teen, yet I'm still too young to legally drink. I've lived for two decades and I'm no longer perceived as a child, but I'm still in college doing stupid things every now and then. I feel old and within the next ten years I'll probably end up determining my occupation, make a living, fall in love, settle down and get married... AGH. I feel like my life is flashing before me.

Okay I'll stop. I'm definitely over thinking this, but it's crazy to me. I hope you can feel me on this. But yeah definitely I need to start appreciating all the experiences of my life more... and try to document it. Time seems to fly by way too fast, and I want to be able to look back and remember all those special moments, both good and bad. I invested in a higher quality camera so that when I study abroad in South Korea in the fall, I'll have the technology to better document those precious experiences I'll encounter. So here's to appreciating life, making memories, and documenting for the future!

Whole Earth Festival

I've been looking forward to the 2014 Whole Earth festival literally the day after it was over last year. It's a festival that happens on Mother's day weekend every year where artists, venders, and hippie families from all over the U.S. just congregate in the UC Davis quad, and the vibe it brings to the community is quite special. I love just browsing around, admiring people's artwork, eating decadent organic dishes, watching children run around in the sun, and seeing college kids dancing and doing crazy yoga stretches. It was a great 3-day event, and I made sure I savored every moment of it. I'm studying abroad next year, so I'm definitely sad to miss it next year, but the following year and the years after that, I hope to enjoy the festival and the peaceful vibe it seems to bring about to the city. 

Update: Negative Feelings

I am currently in a weird emotional state. I don't feel happy, and I can't seem to pinpoint exactly what I am feeling. Perhaps listing the things that are bothering me/ making me unhappy would help me clear my mind.

1. I have been abnormally unproductive this week. I did little to no school work. I didn't even go to the art center and make art. I haven't exercised this week at all when I really wish I could incorporate cardio back into my life.
2. Food. I broke my vegan streak. I have been eating less fruits, especially citrus. And strangely after every meal, I've been having stomach aches, which I did not have at all when I was eating vegan. 
3. Most people don't seem to know, but I live by the Christian faith. I haven't been reading my Bible for almost two weeks. I haven't been keeping it real in my relationship with God.
4. This sort of ties in with number 3. I found out recently that a person that I respected wholeheartedly, a person that I looked up to and aspired to be like, was not the person I thought they were. They did something that I thought was unimaginable for them. I lost respect for them, and my faith in them completely shattered.
5. On Tuesday I was told by my friend that I am a completely irresponsible person. Not even told, but scolded. She said the words that hurt me the most... that I was a shitty person, who did not seem to care for others, which is something I actually go out of my way to do. She said much more words that hurt me so so so much. I broke down in front of her, and I've been reflecting on her words daily.
6. I have ADHD. I have been diagnosed. I tested into the 92nd percentile on a clinical scale. Having that confirmation was very comforting at first because it made me look at my past in a different light. Having ADHD shifts the blame for all my failings elsewhere. There is something that is impairing me from living the life that I want to live. It gives me hope for a better future after I receive my treatment. However the unfortunate thing is that I have to wait almost a month for my appointment to determine what the next step is to the betterment of my life. So now I've just accepted the fact that I am innately dumb. That I am lazy. That I can't help to be unmotivated and unable to focus because I have this impediment in my brain. Instead of trying, I'm now being complacent... basically giving up. 
7. I think I'm in love. I've been talking to this one special guy and it's great, but I feel like I'm investing so much time into him, when I should be focusing on me. My life seems to be on a delicate balance, I need to fully concentrate on my well-being to do well and be happy, but because I'm putting my attention elsewhere, I feel my lifestyle teetering a bit.
8. Money. Money is an issue right now. I recently got a job, and that's great but I won't be able to start working until mid-March. I've been buying concert tickets and withdrawing cash to shop at farmer's markets and now I'm regretting my impromptu spendings.
9. I have so much paperwork/homework/studying to do that it's driving me insane. Though I know I need to do it, I'm so unwilling to take the initiative and just do the work.
10. I miss my friends back home so much. Spring break is in a few weeks, but that means finals week is coming up really soon. Before I can enjoy my time back at home, I must brave an epic battle of textbooks and short answer questions.

Writing these down, helped calm my nerves. Maybe that's what we need. Even though we may have friends that we can vent to and just pour out everything on our minds, I think it's nice to be able to just reflect on your issues on your own, at your own pace. Instead of having your friend's insights and advice, it's good to see everything laid out, clearly visualized. I now see that I have 10 things bothering me and the subfields regarding each issue, and now I'm thinking of ways to combat those 10 issues that are bothering me. Now I'm not saying that we should all journal/write down what's bothering us, that it's the only way to clear your head, but it's helped me and it is currently helping me. It's just different from vocalizing it to others, because this way you actually internalize the issues and now you have a good understanding of your issues. I actually did call my best friend, let's call him C, and he just knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. His words of encouragement, his advice, his praise just make me feel better instantaneously. He truly is the light of my life, and we actually refer to each other as, "LOML".

I'm not sure if anyone took the time to read through the source of my negative thoughts and feelings, but if you did, thank you. I hope that you took at least something away from this, and I hope you are having more cheerful days than me. Peace!