Tiny Explorers

Brunch with mother

Update: Spring Quarter

Hello hello hello! It's been quite a minute. I really should make more use of this blog, and from now on, I'm going to try to post more consistently.

The spring quarter of my sophomore year is rapidly approaching an end, and seriously, I don't know where the time went. It's crazy but I'm basically halfway done with college (if I keep thinking about this, I may let out some tears). I'm starting to realize that this period of my life will eventually come to an end, and I will have to be more independent and start living out a life that isn't constrained by guidelines and expectations of academia. I will eventually leave this environment that I've grown accustomed to for the past two years and I will have to be responsible for myself and my actions..... Basically I'm scared to grow up.

I just turned 20 this month, which makes me feel so many feels. Seriously though, twenty is such a weird age. I'm no longer a teen, yet I'm still too young to legally drink. I've lived for two decades and I'm no longer perceived as a child, but I'm still in college doing stupid things every now and then. I feel old and within the next ten years I'll probably end up determining my occupation, make a living, fall in love, settle down and get married... AGH. I feel like my life is flashing before me.

Okay I'll stop. I'm definitely over thinking this, but it's crazy to me. I hope you can feel me on this. But yeah definitely I need to start appreciating all the experiences of my life more... and try to document it. Time seems to fly by way too fast, and I want to be able to look back and remember all those special moments, both good and bad. I invested in a higher quality camera so that when I study abroad in South Korea in the fall, I'll have the technology to better document those precious experiences I'll encounter. So here's to appreciating life, making memories, and documenting for the future!

Whole Earth Festival

I've been looking forward to the 2014 Whole Earth festival literally the day after it was over last year. It's a festival that happens on Mother's day weekend every year where artists, venders, and hippie families from all over the U.S. just congregate in the UC Davis quad, and the vibe it brings to the community is quite special. I love just browsing around, admiring people's artwork, eating decadent organic dishes, watching children run around in the sun, and seeing college kids dancing and doing crazy yoga stretches. It was a great 3-day event, and I made sure I savored every moment of it. I'm studying abroad next year, so I'm definitely sad to miss it next year, but the following year and the years after that, I hope to enjoy the festival and the peaceful vibe it seems to bring about to the city. 

Update: Negative Feelings

I am currently in a weird emotional state. I don't feel happy, and I can't seem to pinpoint exactly what I am feeling. Perhaps listing the things that are bothering me/ making me unhappy would help me clear my mind.

1. I have been abnormally unproductive this week. I did little to no school work. I didn't even go to the art center and make art. I haven't exercised this week at all when I really wish I could incorporate cardio back into my life.
2. Food. I broke my vegan streak. I have been eating less fruits, especially citrus. And strangely after every meal, I've been having stomach aches, which I did not have at all when I was eating vegan. 
3. Most people don't seem to know, but I live by the Christian faith. I haven't been reading my Bible for almost two weeks. I haven't been keeping it real in my relationship with God.
4. This sort of ties in with number 3. I found out recently that a person that I respected wholeheartedly, a person that I looked up to and aspired to be like, was not the person I thought they were. They did something that I thought was unimaginable for them. I lost respect for them, and my faith in them completely shattered.
5. On Tuesday I was told by my friend that I am a completely irresponsible person. Not even told, but scolded. She said the words that hurt me the most... that I was a shitty person, who did not seem to care for others, which is something I actually go out of my way to do. She said much more words that hurt me so so so much. I broke down in front of her, and I've been reflecting on her words daily.
6. I have ADHD. I have been diagnosed. I tested into the 92nd percentile on a clinical scale. Having that confirmation was very comforting at first because it made me look at my past in a different light. Having ADHD shifts the blame for all my failings elsewhere. There is something that is impairing me from living the life that I want to live. It gives me hope for a better future after I receive my treatment. However the unfortunate thing is that I have to wait almost a month for my appointment to determine what the next step is to the betterment of my life. So now I've just accepted the fact that I am innately dumb. That I am lazy. That I can't help to be unmotivated and unable to focus because I have this impediment in my brain. Instead of trying, I'm now being complacent... basically giving up. 
7. I think I'm in love. I've been talking to this one special guy and it's great, but I feel like I'm investing so much time into him, when I should be focusing on me. My life seems to be on a delicate balance, I need to fully concentrate on my well-being to do well and be happy, but because I'm putting my attention elsewhere, I feel my lifestyle teetering a bit.
8. Money. Money is an issue right now. I recently got a job, and that's great but I won't be able to start working until mid-March. I've been buying concert tickets and withdrawing cash to shop at farmer's markets and now I'm regretting my impromptu spendings.
9. I have so much paperwork/homework/studying to do that it's driving me insane. Though I know I need to do it, I'm so unwilling to take the initiative and just do the work.
10. I miss my friends back home so much. Spring break is in a few weeks, but that means finals week is coming up really soon. Before I can enjoy my time back at home, I must brave an epic battle of textbooks and short answer questions.

Writing these down, helped calm my nerves. Maybe that's what we need. Even though we may have friends that we can vent to and just pour out everything on our minds, I think it's nice to be able to just reflect on your issues on your own, at your own pace. Instead of having your friend's insights and advice, it's good to see everything laid out, clearly visualized. I now see that I have 10 things bothering me and the subfields regarding each issue, and now I'm thinking of ways to combat those 10 issues that are bothering me. Now I'm not saying that we should all journal/write down what's bothering us, that it's the only way to clear your head, but it's helped me and it is currently helping me. It's just different from vocalizing it to others, because this way you actually internalize the issues and now you have a good understanding of your issues. I actually did call my best friend, let's call him C, and he just knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. His words of encouragement, his advice, his praise just make me feel better instantaneously. He truly is the light of my life, and we actually refer to each other as, "LOML".

I'm not sure if anyone took the time to read through the source of my negative thoughts and feelings, but if you did, thank you. I hope that you took at least something away from this, and I hope you are having more cheerful days than me. Peace!

college boys 1

Boys are crazy. Well, maybe not necessarily psychologically, but I guess some drive me crazy. Sometimes I find it hard to understand where they are coming from, for the male perspective is often very different from their female counterparts.

In college, I find that men usually, for the most part, have a competitive, testosterone driven way about their interactions with females. The girls in college are often objectified and seen as something that is "fuckable." This sad truth occurs on a daily basis in the college lifestyle. Sex isn't something that is something special, a representation of the emotional togetherness, a hope for the existence of love, a beautiful concept of two becoming one. Sex is a recreational activity, a free for all, and just a behavior that satiates the needs of two or, at sometimes, more.

I mean sure, "fuck buddies" and the idea uninvested relationships are easier and more convenient for the lifestyle of the average college kid, but I believe that everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. If I were to let someone see the hidden realms of my life, I hope that person is special enough to respect me and care for me a lot, and by a lot, I really do mean a lot. 

I love the feeling that someone appreciates me and that I mean something to them. I'm not opposed to the idea of "fuck buddies," but I'd rather be intimate with someone that I care about and vise versa. Or else, what are we different from animals? We have the capability of being compassionate and caring for others more so than ourselves and our own needs. We have the power to love, and to put others before us. Something that I learned recently is that love is base on putting another person's needs before yours and committing to that person. Lust is based on your own selfishness, your own desires and fantasies, so when you see the next best thing, you quickly move on.

Yeah, it's not my position to judge or make remarks on a lifestyle some people may live by, but I just can't help but to wonder if everyone desires to be loved. I mean who doesn't want to be loved? People can fear love, but that doesn't mean you don't want to be loved. I'm not sure. I'm just going to leave on that note. Peace!

memorial day weekend

Tyler, the Creator | Between Friends by Flying Lotus/Captain Murphy & Earl Sweatshirt | PHAMBROS in the web | Noah, my fave. | Tokimonsta

This Memorial Day weekend was filled with spontaneous adventures, strange amusements, and glorious sounds.

Friday night was quite interesting, filled with annoying/confusing texts from an ex, hard core dancing with suite-mates, and constantly watching humorous Odd Future videos. The night was topped off with a huge sleepover in the living room, where my friend was able to cuddle with the guy she was interested. I made it happen. I'm the best wingman ever.

Saturday night was the interesting night. My suite was having a kickback and there were people of all sorts of levels having a good time. Each room seemed to have a different environment: there was the drunk dancing room blasting with EDM, the stoner room (my room) where people were listening to chill music and passing the fuck out my bed and my roomate's, the emotional drunk room where my friend was crying in, then the kinda sober/conversational room where I frequented. My friend Remy from Santa Cruz came to visit, and he ended up knocking out in my bed, after we listened to dope beats by Teebs, Tyler, the Creator, and Flying Lotus. Specifically: 

Just the Yellow Bits by Teebs

Cook, Clean, Pay the Rent by Teebs

Hey You by Tyler, the Creator (produced by Toro Y Moi)

Between Friends by Flying Lotus

   

Sunday was cool. I had breakfast with the homies that came to visit my school with Remy. Then we hung out and chilled and hung out some more. We played at the playground/park by where I live. Before they were about to leave to go to the hotel they had checked out, Noah gave me this piece of a bang bar that him and Remy had bought at a clinic the day before. I had a bite of it and in an hour, I was high as shit. I don't remember Sunday night much. 

Monday, I attempted to finish a paper that is due on Tuesday, but the entire day I was distracted by the good music that exist in the world. I just can't stop discovering songs and learning about artists. I just downloaded all these songs by Tokimonsta. Also, I created a new bucket list, and I found that it was drastically different from the one that I had written down just a month ago. I guess within a month, my mindset had gone through a great change in perspective. Stay tuned, a post of my current bucket list is coming up, and I might do a comparison to my previous bucket list.